


When We Were Young

by dattumblrgal



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Infidelity, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Unreliable Narrator, i have no idea how to tag please forgive me, it's just a tiny bit don't worry you will see through the bullshit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-19 11:46:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9438758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dattumblrgal/pseuds/dattumblrgal
Summary: "When he turned his body, and saw Zayn, he thought it was a fever dream. He was standing just a few meters away from him, looking so very beautiful and he was watching him as well. Suddenly, all the noise in the room faded away and the only sound Harry could hear was his own heartbeat. Finding Zayn’s eyes with his own wasn’t a good idea. When he looked into them, he just felt everything. He was happy he was seeing him again, but at the same time, he knew it was meaningless. The sensation of it all felt like turning on the light in deep darkness, only for the light bulb to be spent immediately. It was just too much. He couldn’t bear looking into Zayn’s eyes when all he wanted to do was come up to him, embrace him and never ever let him go. So, he ran."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiiii. It's 2017 and I'm writing a Zarry fic. Who would've thought. 
> 
> English isn't my first language, so keep that little piece of information in mind when some of the sentences make absolutely no sense. I'm truly sorry for all the mistakes and typos. 
> 
> A huge thanks goes to Farah who's been with me every step of writing this. She actually gave me the idea to write this, so this fic is dedicated to her. Thank you again, I couldn't come this far without you.
> 
> The title and the whole idea is taken from Adele's When We Were Young. She's secretly a zarrie, there's no other explanation for the song.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this, the second chapter should come soon.

           Zayn didn't mean to sit here like this and think about what used to be and what could've been, he really didn't. He just wanted to move his stuff in peace. Every single cell in his body had been screaming at him not to open that damn box, but he did it anyway. He opened it and now he's been staring at his phone screen for the past 10 minutes.  
            When he opened that box, he felt as though his heart had stopped beating. He hasn't seen any of those things for at least a year and half since he packed up his house in London and moved to LA. He hadn't seen them until now when he decided to rip his heart in two again.  
            The first thing that caught his eye was Harry's black Pink Floyd t-shirt that was sitting right on top of everything. His fingers unconsciously found the matching tattoo of the logo he shared with Harry. He took the t-shirt out and dug deeper through more of Harry's clothes he used to wear more often than Harry and random things Harry kept at his house, until he reached another little box at the bottom. His heart started to feel heavy at the sight.  
            This one wasn't just a simple cardboard one. It was made of dark wood, had a small lock and looked more like a tiny chest than a box. Harry got it at one of those vintage shops in LA he loved so much. Said it could keep all of their memories and "where are we supposed to keep the stuff to show the kids, Zayn? We can't keep our polaroids in my journal forever,". Thankfully the box came without its original key and either way, they didn't think it was necessary to keep it locked.  
            He took a deep breath, picked it up and lifted the lid, not really prepared to see what's inside.  
            He picked up the gold ring first. It felt quite heavy in his palm. The ring brought back probably the most painful memories. Harry gave it to him when he was leaving Hong Kong in the middle of the night to go home. He gave him the ring thinking they would see each other over the next break. After he decided he wasn't leaving just the band, but Harry as well, he wore it on a chain around his neck for weeks. He thought that maybe Harry would see a photo, see the ring and he would know that things weren't over, that they would find their way to each other again, that Zayn didn't give up on them.  
            Zayn never meant to end it, no. He loved Harry with all of his heart, but there were so many things to be dealt with at the time, he just couldn't add a long-distance relationship to all that mess. It would've hurt both of them, they would drift apart slowly and everything'd go to shit. It wouldn’t be fair to them, to their love. He had no idea it would go to shit either way.  
            The ring found its place in the wooden box after 4 months of Harry ignoring all of his attempts to speak to him.  
            The only other thing in the box was their photo album. They filled it on one lazy Sunday before the last tour, took all of their polaroids, printed out more photos and glued there some tickets and postcards as well. It was lovely, really.  
            As Zayn was flipping through the pages, through all the memories and love, he didn't even notice he was crying, until a tear fell on a picture of him and Harry at a beach in Malibu. Wide smiles were splitting their faces and they were in an embrace, holding onto each other as if they feared they would dissipate into thin air if they let go. Fire was casting a warm glow over them and their surroundings. It was an amazing night during one of their first trips to America, when they weren't mobbed every time they dared to walk on a street without an army of bodyguards. They were young, already head over heels in love with each other and clueless about what was waiting for them.  
            It's really the album's fault that he's sitting on the floor in Gigi's living room, switching between staring at his phone and the New York skyline. God, he should put that box away before Gigi comes home and finds him crying over his ex-band mate, who's his ex-lover at the same time. She doesn't need to know about that bit of their relationship.  
            It's really the album's fault that he picked up his phone and with tears still prickling his eyes typed out a text and sent it to Harry. Liam is an angel for giving him Harry’s new number. He just hopes Harry hasn't changed it again.  
            It's really the album's fault that the words " _im so tired of this harry, please talk to me. you just fucking ignored me after that email again. i miss you. zayn xx_ " weren't showing only on Zayn's screen, but were waiting to be read on Harry's phone too.

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

            Harry didn't look at his phone right after he got the message. Why would he? Most of his London friends were in the same room as him and he was pretty sure Gemma or his mum could wait. So it just sat there waiting for him for about half an hour until he finished dinner and wanted to check the time.  
            He swears his heart missed a beat when he saw who the text was from. His breath and heartbeat sped up and he felt tears appearing in his eyes. Someone at the table asked him if he was okay, "you look a bit sick mate, you sure you're okay?", and yeah, he felt sick and he wasn't okay but a nod was all he gave the friend before excusing himself from the table, running to his car and trying not to crash, because who was he kidding, driving while crying hysterically is a terrible, terrible idea. Well, it's not like getting a text from someone he was sure is the love of his life was something he had planned for the night.  
            With his heart aching and tears clouding his vision, he made it home without an accident. By the time he arrived, his eyes were puffy and red, his head felt heavy and a headache was just around the corner. So Harry climbed out of his car, unlocked the door to his house, didn’t even bother to turn on any lights on as went straight to bed.  
            In the safety of his dark bedroom and warm blankets, he was brave enough to admit that he missed Zayn too. Wallowing in self-pity in the middle of the night wasn’t exactly something Harry did on a regular basis. He did have some experience though, losing someone you love more than life itself could make you cry for an hour or eight. He wasn’t really sure what to do, so he just stared at the ceiling and let tears slowly spill out of his eyes into the pillow. Sleep was avoiding him as if he had the black plague and every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was a pair of beautiful amber eyes and a smile so bright it always lit up the whole room. Eyes that used to look at him with so much love and affection. Smile that could help him get through everything and make his heart flutter, even after years of being together.  
            The thing is, Harry still loves Zayn. Hasn’t stopped loving him for years in fact. It’s still so powerful and so intense, he’s not even sure how he’s managed to live without seeing him for almost two years. A day doesn’t go by without Harry thinking about Zayn. He knows he shouldn’t, but every time something, it could be a thing as mundane as breakfast food, reminds him of Zayn, he finds himself daydreaming about the past. How wouldn’t he when they used to be so happy?  
            Harry wants all of it back. He wants to wake up every morning with Zayn’s arm holding him close, their legs and fingers intertwined. He wants to kiss him again, feel his fingertips and lips on his body, wants to touch him and love him. He wants to be able to feel the warmth and happiness spreading all over his body like it used to every time they were together.  
            With that thought in his mind, he fished out his phone from the blankets and decided to text Zayn back. „ _im sorry i ignored you again. i was too scared because even after everything that happened i love you so fucking much i cant even see a picture of you in a magazine without wanting to cry and call you immediately. i miss you too_ “ Harry re-read the message about twenty times before he decided to delete it. He loves him, but he’s not dumb enough to think Zayn still loves him after everything that happened. He moved on, fell in love again and sent him this text now because he probably felt guilty about talking to all the boys but Harry.  
His heart was stronger than he let himself to believe so the message he finally sent Zayn at 2AM was _„i miss you too. H x“._

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

            When Zayn got the text, he was too busy to even notice it. A few hours later when he was finally in bed, he read it and it's safe to say a smile didn't leave his face for hours. Harry didn’t ignore him and he missed him too. His heart was a beating a little faster and he felt like he just fell in love again. He felt things only Harry was capable of making him feel, and God it has been so long since he felt the flutter in his chest and all the butterflies.  
That night he dreamt of green eyes and a smile that was breaking thousands of hearts, but only ever mended his.  
            The problem was, when he woke up in the morning he had no idea what should he text back. Inviting him for coffee or lunch was out of the question, since Harry was in London at the time. Zayn would fly out there if Harry wanted to meet him, he really would, but preparing for the upcoming Grammy‘s was consuming all of his time.  
            Zayn didn’t know that he wouldn’t need to answer because he would see Harry again sooner than he thought he would.

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

Harry wasn't nervous at all. Yeah, it's the Grammys, but he was just walking the red carpet and making small talk with people from the industry. He's done both so many times he lost count sometime in 2012.  
            Everything was great. Harry felt good in the suit he was wearing; the reporters weren't asking him too invasive questions and he was genuinely enjoying the show. Everything was great until it wasn't. He was just sipping on champagne when a presenter announced a surprise performance. "Okay, this could be interesting," he thought and set his glass down.  
            The lights were dimmed and first notes of the song could be heard. After few seconds of intro, the artist started singing. Harry didn't expect a voice familiar from somewhere other than his iPod or the radio. He surely didn't expect a voice he knew so intimately, a voice that used to whisper I love you's and sweet nothings into his ear in the middle of the night, a voice he knew so well and loved so much.  
            Harry watched Zayn flawlessly perform his first single from the second album and tried not to let his emotions show on his face too much. He may have looked calm and collected on the outside, but on the inside was just chaos. He wanted to scream, because the person on stage meant the world to him, but he didn't love Harry anymore. He wanted to scream, because they haven't spoken to each other in almost two years and Harry missed him with every fiber of his being. He wanted to scream, because Zayn didn’t respond to his text and he had no idea if it was because he simply didn’t care or because he was scared just like Harry.  
            And Harry was terrified. He let out feelings that were buried deep down and now there was no coming back. But he kept his mouth shut anyway. When Zayn wasn’t responding for days, he didn’t try to reach out, no. He would say something ridiculous like that he loved him so much he found pieces of him everywhere he looked and he couldn’t do that to Zayn. He was happy and in love with someone new. Who is he to deny him his happiness?

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

            After the performance, Zayn was elated. His team and random people backstage were congratulating him left and right and someone was screaming in his ear that the song was already climbing its way up the iTunes charts. He hugged and shook hands with what felt like a thousand people, but smile didn’t leave his face. After months of hard work, it all worked out. When everything calmed down a bit, someone from the staff took the mic and all the equipment and wires from clothes. Gigi found him not too long after that, hugged him so hard he thought his ribs could break and they went to sit in the audience together.  
He held her hand for the rest of the show and all the thoughts about Harry slipped away from his mind.  
            Gigi didn’t want to go to the after party, said they should go home and do some partying on their own. Zayn wanted to go though. It was very unusual for him to voluntarily go to a party like this, but it was the Grammy’s after all. The night when the whole music industry gets together and connections are made. He didn’t mean to do that, he simply wanted to have fun and well, their apartment isn’t going to go anywhere, is it?  
            That’s how they found themselves with sweet drinks in their hands, sitting with some people they knew just enough to hold a conversation about something other than the weather. Zayn was having a great time. People were stopping him to tell him how great his performance was, the drinks and food were alright and he even danced a bit.  
            When he was going to the bar to get more drinks, he noticed a familiar figure sitting on one of the tall chairs, chatting with someone. The person turned a little on their chair so he could see their profile and of course. Of course it had to be Harry. What was he even thinking, who else could be wearing that suit and look so good so effortlessly. He wasn‘t expecting Harry to turn his way completely and look at him. They locked eyes and Zayn’s heart started to beat so hard he was afraid it would burst out of his chest. For a second he felt as though the floor under his feet had vanished and he was left floating in the air, only to fall down and break. Looking into Harry‘s eyes again felt like the whole world was burning down. Nothing else mattered to him at the moment except for Harry. Harry, who was looking at him with wide eyes. He could see even from where he was standing how Harry took a sharp, deep breath. He then placed his glass of what was presumably whiskey, said something to the man he was talking to and left. Zayn didn’t know what to do. He wanted to follow after Harry so desperately, but he knew he couldn’t make a scene, not there. So, he did what he originally wanted to do: get drinks for him and Gigi, and returned to their table.  
            Zayn couldn’t focus on anything. The words said around him mushed all together into some unintelligible gibberish and felt like his vision was ignoring everything in the room, except for the floor-length windows and the balcony doors. His mind was screaming ‚ _HARRY, HARRY, HARRY‘_ and he felt so shaken up. It was the first time after almost two years since he saw Harry face to face. Sure, there’ve been photos, but it wasn’t the same. Seeing Harry tonight brought back all the feeling he’s been pushing back for so long. All the emotions, all the love and affection was back and all it took was a single look.  
            Then he realized that he was thinking about someone else while being here with his girlfriend, who loved him and didn’t run away from the room when she was him. Coming to terms with being a certified dickhead, he stood up, excused himself for a smoke and made his way to the balcony, hoping to find Harry.

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

            Harry‘s hands have been shaking since he saw Zayn by the bar. He knew he shouldn’t have come to this party. And now he knows he shouldn’t have ran away and hide on the balcony with champagne.  
            When he turned his body, and saw Zayn, he thought it was a fever dream. He was standing just a few meters away from him, looking so very beautiful and he was watching him as well. Suddenly, all the noise in the room faded away and the only sound Harry could hear was his own heartbeat. Finding Zayn’s eyes with his own wasn’t a good idea. When he looked into them, he just felt everything. He was happy he was seeing him again, but at the same time, he knew it was meaningless. The sensation of it all felt like turning on the light in deep darkness, only for the light bulb to be spent immediately. It was just too much. He couldn’t bear looking into Zayn’s eyes when all he wanted to do was come up to him, embrace him and never ever let him go. So, he ran.  
            He had no idea how long he was standing outside. The champagne glass was almost as full as it was when he took it from the waiter, just because the guy looked like he was struggling with the tray. Harry was lost deep in his thoughts. So lost he didn’t even notice someone standing right beside him.  
            „Harry?“ a familiar voice yanked him out of floundering in his own head. Without even thinking about it, he turned his whole body and found himself staring into Zayn’s eyes for the second time this night.  
            „Hi. I..uhm..How are you, Harry?“ Zayn looked nervous, uncertain, but he flashed Harry a small hesitant smile.  
            „I’m alright,“ those were all the words Harry was able to get out of him at the moment. He was too speechless. The words were a complete lie, too. Harry has never felt more not alright in his whole life.  
            „That’s great,“ Zayn was softly nodding his head and seemed lost for words as well, „I wanted to apologize,“ Those words sped up Harry’s heartbeat in a second. He cleaned his throat and tried not to let something embarrassing out of his mouth.  
            „What for? There’s quite a lot of it,“ Harry rested his elbow on the railing and directed his eyes on Zayn’s. He tried his absolute best to look laid-back and like he’s got his shit together. He’s an actor now for god’s sake, he can look like he’s not bothered by this. Or can he?  
            „Well...I think I should start with apologizing for not responding to the last text? I had no idea what to say and I would’ve invited you out for lunch or something, but you were in London and I had no idea when you were coming back? I didn’t want an empty promise between us. And then I think I’m gonna continue with all the stuff from before. You’re finally listening to me after almost two years, so I hope you will let me tell you everything I’ve been meaning to for so long. I’m so sorry for unintentionally ending it the way I did. I never meant for us to end what we had together, I just needed a break. I had so much shit to deal with and I didn’t want to drag you into all of it. You were busy enough with all of your things and-“  
            „But I wanted to be there for you!“ Harry interrupted him.  
            „I know, but I needed some time for myself. I was so fucked up from all the shit in the band, I couldn’t deal with a long-distance relationship. I let you go for some time and I promised you, I swore we’d get back together in some time. You weren’t obliged to wait for me or anything, only if you wanted to. So yeah, I’m sorry for not fighting enough for you,“ Harry didn’t say anything. He wanted to, wanted to say so much he probably couldn’t be stopped, but he just couldn’t bring himself to bare his heart in that moment. So, Zayn continued.  
            „Then I got that cold, emotionless e-mail from you. I was so angry, how you just said shit you would say to a friend from high school or something. Not someone that you...“ Zayn stopped himself and bit his bottom lip. He looked up at the sky, shook his head and looked back at Harry.  
            „But now I see why you wrote it like that. You just don’t care about me anymore. I see. I won’t bother you any longer. Goodbye, Harry,“ Zayn turned to leave, but Harry caught his wrist. It was the first time they touched again after such a long time. Harry had thought he’s forgotten how it felt like to touch Zayn. He couldn’t let himself think about that now. Not when Zayn was so wrong about him and wanted to leave again.  
            „Please, don’t leave,” Zayn looked stunned, but he didn’t take another step and focused his eyes on Harry, “I care about you. There’s not a single person in the world that I care more about than you.”  
            „And I’m not mad at you. Not anymore. I haven’t been for a long time, actually. I’ve felt a lot, but none of those emotions were anger or hatred. I care about you so much and I just want you to be happy. And you’re happy right now, even if it’s not with me and I couldn’t live with myself if I ruined it,“ Zayn looked at the floor for a second and snorted.  
            „Harry, you’re being ridiculous,“ he said when he looked into Harry’s eyes again. A small smile was dancing on his lips and Harry’s heart shattered into pieces. Okay, so he was laughing at him? For basically confessing his love without using the word explicitly? God, he was such an idiot for saying anything. He should’ve just kept his mouth shut and save himself another heartbreak.  
            „I couldn’t possibly be truly happy when-“  
            „There you are! I thought you left without me, babe,“ Gigi had to interrupt them, of fucking course it had to be her. Zayn immediately put a wide smile on his face and an arm around Gigi’s wait. Harry felt like dying. A knife in his stomach would hurt less, he supposed.  
            „Yeah, I was just chatting with Harry. We can go now though, if you want,“ Harry felt a heartache deep it his bones. The hopelessness was seeping through his body and he wanted to disappear. He was sure that Zayn didn’t love him anymore and was this a confirmation? He thinks so. Zayn wanted to leave with the person he loved now as soon as possible and Harry couldn’t really hold it against him.  
            „Oh, okay, we could. Bye Harry, hope to see you soon,“ shouted Gigi as she and Zayn went back inside and he lost the sight of them between dozens of other bodies.  
            It’s official. Harry’s heartbroken again. Zayn doesn’t love him anymore and just a few moments ago, he basically ran away from him with his girlfriend.  
            The rational part of his brain was telling him that Zayn didn’t finish the sentence he started before Gigi came, but heartbreak prevails any rationality, doesn’t it? Besides, what good could it bring to think about things that don’t really matter? Thinking about what Zayn could’ve said and what it meant for the two of them. He would just get depressed and barely leave his bed for a week again.  
            So, he knocked back the champagne, went back inside and got monumentally drunk at the bar, trying to drown all the thoughts about Zayn’s pretty eyes, beautiful smile and lovely voice with alcohol.

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

            Zayn spent the whole ride to Gigi’s apartment thinking about Harry. He was so close to finally telling him that no, he wasn’t truly happy, not without him. He loved Gigi, but it was never as fierce and strong as how he used to love Harry. How he still loves him.  
He should’ve stayed. He should’ve stayed and finished saying what he wanted to say for so long. But he couldn’t, not in front of Gigi of course, he’s not that big of an asshole.  
            He should’ve stayed and told Harry he could never be truly happy, not when he wasn‘t able to touch him, love him and spend time with him. He missed him so much, ached to touch him the whole night, and he finally had him right in front of him. And Harry told him he still cared about him, that he ignored him because he cared about Zayn’s happiness more than his own. And Zayn left him. Again. He can’t leave it like that this time.  
            That’s why he didn‘t go to the bedroom when Gigi asked him to. He told her, he had to phone his mum first, because it was already morning in the UK. It wasn’t a lie, he really did call his mum. And asked to talk to his dad and sisters. And he may have called a few friends from England, because he didn’t want to go back inside. He couldn’t walk in the bedroom and act like everything was okay, Gigi didn’t deserve it. He knew what she wanted to do and he couldn’t do it, not when all he could think about was Harry.  
            He ended up chain-smoking on the balcony for about two hours. New York winter wasn’t the best for staying outside, but he needed this and a blanket was doing quite okay at keeping him warm. It wasn’t a complete waste of time, since he went on Twitter, thanked the fans for the support and responded to some tweets. It was little before half past three in the morning when he decided to text Harry. It was probably a stupid idea. He was exhausted and he always does stupid shit in the early morning hours. But he sent a text saying „ _harry im sorry i left tonight. at the balcony i wanted to tell you that i could never be truly happy without you. i cant stop thinking about you. please text me back_ “ anyway.  
            Zayn wasn’t expecting his phone to light up with a text not even five minutes later. He didn’t think it was from Harry at first, but it turned out to be from him. _„come see me at the baccarat, you know which room. H_ “ said the text. He put out his cigarette on the railing, looked at the message once more and he was sure. He was going to the Baccarat.

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

            Harry was lying on top of the covers on the bed, staring at the celling. He was still a little drunk, but he wasn’t the texting-your-ex-and-crying level of drunk. So, he can’t really blame answering Zayn’s text and asking him to come here on the alcohol. He’s just dumb. And desperate.  
            His mind didn’t seem to care about anything other than wondering whether Zayn will come or not. He saw the text, but didn’t respond. Of course he didn’t, why would he. It was ridiculous, asking him to come to his hotel room at 3:30AM. Zayn probably wouldnt’ve come even if they were on good terms. That’s why he didn’t expect a knock on his door. It couldn’t be the cleaning lady for sure, he has a don’t disturb sign on the door knob.  
            Harry wobbled a little when he stood up, but managed to get to the door just fine. When he opened it, he didn’t feel so good anymore. Zayn was standing in the corridor, still wearing the clothes from the party and holy shit. He was there. He came, because Harry asked him to, and he didn’t even look like he was tremendously drunk or high.  
            „Hi,“ Harry was the first one to start speaking this time.  
            „Hi?“ Zayn looked so nervous, Harry almost felt sorry for him, „you texted me to come, so...yeah. I’m here. Hope you haven‘t changed your mind.“  
            „I did text you and no, I haven’t changed my mind. Come in, please,“ Harry turned on his heel and walked back into his room. He heard Zayn’s footsteps behind him and a soft click of the door closing. He sat on his bed and looked at Zayn. He was fidgeting with his hands, something he‘s been doing when he’s nervous since forever. The silence was so uncomfortable and nearly suffocating, it stung Harry’s heart a bit because they both used to love it so much. They’ve spent countless of hours together without speaking a word. Why would they when a single look or a touch could sometimes say more than a thousand words.  
Harry was still a bit tipsy, and when there’s alcohol present in his system, he is never patient. So he was the first to break the silence again.  
            „You said you can’t be truly happy without me. Is it true?“ Harry felt brave so he searched for Zayn’s eyes with his. Zayn kept his head down for a moment longer, then looked up and focused his eyes on Harry‘s.  
            „Yes,“ he said, looking straight into his eyes.  
            „Then why didn’t you say something sooner?“  
            „How could I tell you something like that when I though you hated me? You weren’t talking to me for months,“ Zayn sighed and sat on the opposite end of the bed, „you were so mad at me for some time, there would be no point in trying to tell you anything. Then you sent me that email. For a moment, I thought everything would be okay, and....then I read it. I was certain you loathed me, that you never wanted to talk to me again. So, I responded with that stupid thanks bro. I thought it was the end of the world, that I would never be whole again,“ Harry knew exactly where this was heading and he needed to stop this before he got his heart broken for the millionth time today.  
            „Stop. Please just don’t,“ Zayn shot him a look full of confusion, „you’re going to say how you thought you couldn‘t love again and then you met Gigi and fell in love and shit. I don’t need to hear how you’re going to say some bullshit about needing me in your life as a friend, because you’re so used to me that you can’t be happy. But you’re lying to yourself and you’re lying to me. You’re happy and you don’t need me. I don’t need you as well,“ Harry was a little out of breath after his „speech“. Zayn was still looking at him as if he had just said he was kidnapped by the aliens a few nights ago. He was staring at him, not saying a single thing.  
            „So, I’m right? If I am, you can just get the fuck out of here and never try to talk to me again. I don’t need-“  
            „Harry, stop saying bullshit!“ Zayn raised his voice. He looked truly baffled, a hand tugging at his hair, „I didn’t mean to say that! I wanted to say that I thought I would never be okay without you. It turned out I could be okay, but I could never be happy when you’re not in my life. I miss you so much, more and more each day we’re apart. Yes, I do love Gigi, but I never loved her like I love you. You make sense to me. When I’m with you everything just fits together like a puzzle. I don’t have to think when I’m with you, because everything just feels right. I never wanted to leave you, Harry, never. You just didn’t want to listen to me when I told you over and over again that I loved you and that the time we spent apart, would be for our own good. I loved you so fiercely for so many years and you thought I could just leave you like that? I’d never do that. I do wish I had done things differently. We were so happy, and we let it get away. That’s why I want to fix this now.”  
            „When I saw you today, I thought I was dreaming. You were there and then you looked at me. I felt like the whole world disappeared, except for the two of us. I swear my heart broke at the spot when you left after you saw me. I was sure you hated me, but I had to find you and talk to you. You were so quiet, just standing there and looking at me. I assumed you didn’t give a single shit about us, that you never wanted to be even just friends again, so I tried to leave. Then you said you still cared about me and I have thought about those words ever since they left your mouth. And now we’re here and I need to tell you...I need to tell you I haven’t stopped loving you. Yes, I love you, with every single bit of my soul and body,“ Harry didn’t need to hear more words. He lifted his legs to bed and crawled on the other side where Zayn was sitting. Hesitantly, he touched Zayn’s left cheek with his palm and gave him a small smile.  
            „I love you too, so much more than you think. I’m sorry we wasted so much time,“ Harry almost whispered the words and placed a soft kiss on Zayn’s lips. It felt ecstatic, touching Zayn again, kissing him, being able to love him again. For a second he thought he went too far too soon, but then he felt Zayn’s hands on his hips and his lips on his own again, only this time it was more needy, more desperate. The kisses soon became even more passionate and loving, their tongues and hands exploring each other again after so long.  
            Harry shouldn’t have taken his shirt off and he definitely shouldn’t’ve taken Zayn’s shirt off. It was like lighting a dynamite fuse and letting it explode. Not long after that, they were both naked. They didn’t mean to end up like this, with no clothes between their bodies, holding each other and kissing as if their lives depended on it. They couldn’t help themselves. The crazy magnetic pull that always got them clawing at each other with desire was still there, and now they knew the love was too. Nothing could stop them now.  
            „Hey,“ Zayn took his hands off his body and Harry just wanted to scream.  
            „Please, all the talking can wait until later. I want you, I want all of you. It’s been almost two fucking years since we were together like this. You can’t stop now, I dare you,“  
            „No, baby, don’t worry,“ Zayn laughed and it was like watching the sunrise in the most beautiful place on earth, „I just wanted to make sure you wanted this.“  
            „I’m not the one with the girlfriend, love,“ Harry smirked as he climbed on top of Zayn and straddled his hips with his thighs.  
            „Touché,“ Zayn laughed again, but did nothing more than place his hands on top of Harry’s waist.  
            „Now...if you don’t fuck me soon enough-“

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

            About two hours later, Harry was still wide awake. He couldn’t sleep, not when his heart felt so tight in his chest. He let himself bask in all of this for some time, but he knew it couldn’t last. He let Zayn make love to him, let him touch him, kiss him and he did the same. He listened to Zayn whisper sweet nothings and empty promises in his ear until he fell asleep. He allowed himself to ravel in the feeling of Zayn holding him close to his chest and breathing on his shoulder. He let himself feel loved and love again. It was all he ever wanted and he had it. He had it all, but he couldn’t keep it for longer than one night.  
            He believed Zayn’s words, but he did say he loved Gigi as well and didn’t this happen before? Zayn, saying he loved Harry with all of his heart, but still went home to a blonde girl? History was repeating itself and Harry refused to fall into that never-ending circle again. Zayn has been saying for years how much he loved him, but it still wasn’t enough to be only with Harry.  
            The thing Zayn had with Perrie never made sense to him. They started going out because their management thought it was a smart thing do to. It could bring more attention to both bands and they had one less boy’s girlfriend rumours to be swept under the rug. Harry and Zayn weren’t exclusive at the time, so he couldn’t be mad at Zayn for sleeping with Perrie, when he was doing pretty much the same thing with other people. When they were at home during breaks, he used to hang out with her sometimes, even other times than their paparazzi ‘appointments’ and Harry didn’t think too much of it then. He was hanging out with friends that he used to sleep around with all the time, Zayn was allowed to do the same.  
            It became a problem a few months later. They were home before the Take Me Home Tour and Harry noticed that some days, Zayn used to spend more time with Perrie than him. The last straw was Zayn inviting her to his birthday party and her floating around him the whole night like a moth. When everyone left home, they had their possibly biggest fight. Harry was so fed up with all of this Perrie bullshit, so he told Zayn he wanted them to be exclusive. He didn’t think it would be a problem, after all he’s been with Zayn longer than her and they lived together. It was supposed to mean something, wasn’t it? Harry didn’t expect Zayn to admit, that he never told Perrie about them.  
            Harry was _furious_. He yelled at Zayn for what seemed like hours, hot angry tears streaming down his face. “How could you do this to me?” “ _You never cared about me, did you?” “All those times you told me you loved me, you were just lying straight to my face!”_. Those last words stopped Harry’s outburst. He whispered “You don’t love me,”, sat on the bed and with an emotionless expression on his face, stared at the wall and let his tears fall freely.  
            It seemed like he felt everything and nothing at all. If his heart wasn’t beating so hard, he would think it just somehow vanished from his chest. He felt like all the things in the universe just lost their meaning. Nothing mattered to him except the fact that he lived a lie for so long. That statement wasn’t true, he knows it now, but that’s what he thought then. He thought a person that he loved didn’t love him anymore and for the first time in his life, he knew what a real heartbreak felt like.  
            Harry doesn’t know for how long he managed to ignore Zayn then. He heard his desperate pleading, felt him touch his hand, but didn’t respond. He gave in after some time, of course he did. Tears ceased to form and fall down his cheeks, and he finally looked at Zayn’s face. Harry has never seen him look more panicked and desperate. He let Zayn hold his face with his hands and repeat over and over again how much he was sorry, how much he loved him, how the thing with Perrie never meant anything.  
            After that fight, Zayn started to spend as little time with Perrie as possible. They still texted and when they were home, Zayn went to see her. Said he needed to maintain a good relationship between them, because they still had a contract, didn’t they? Harry’s heart was grateful that the engagement was a part of it and not something that Zayn came up with.  
Harry can’t say they weren’t happy together, because Harry has never felt more blissful and contented than when he was with Zayn. He seemed like he was happy with Harry too, so he still doesn’t understand why he stayed with Perrie as well.  
            As he speculates about it now, it was probably comfortable to be with her. Their relationship was never as serious as what Zayn and Harry had. Perrie never really cared about what Zayn did on tour, as long as he came to see her when he was home. That’s maybe the real reason why he stayed with her. He had someone waiting for him at home. It’s too bad he never realized he didn’t need a person awaiting him in London, when he had someone with him all the time, someone who loved him with all of his heart and was always by his side.  
            Sometimes Harry thought about it too much and it used to hurt him. He thought he wasn’t enough, that he was doing something wrong. Thankfully, he realized none of it had anything to do with him. It was just the way it was and every time Zayn spent time with Perrie, he did something to prove Harry he loved him and not her, so why should he think about it? Why should he taint their time together with thinking about something he couldn’t change either way? So, he just stopped. Stopped thinking about Perrie, about why Zayn didn’t want to leave her and things got better. They were so happy together, so happy he sometimes even forgot about Perrie’s entire existence until Zayn got a call or a text from her.  
            Being with Zayn again is all Harry wants. It’s also the only thing he can’t have, not when it would be like the first time around again. He wants it all this time. Yes, maybe he’s greedy, but he wants a proper relationship. He wants to go out on dates without fearing that someone will see them. He wants to share his life with him, wake up every morning in each other’s arms. He wants them to grow old together and maybe even have a family. And he knows he can’t have it, not like this.  
            He knows he can’t be with Zayn how he wants to. It’s probably quite selfish, but he can’t do this ‘half a relationship’ thing again. That’s why he took a deep breath, carefully removed Zayn’s arm from his waist and quietly left the bed. He went to the bathroom, took a quick shower that washed off most of the remnants of the night. When he looked in the mirror, he noticed his body was covered in love bites. There were some on his chest, neck, thighs and even close to his laurels tattoo. He won’t be able to forget this night that soon. Not that he wants to. Without making too much noise, he packed up his bag and got dressed. When he was writing Zayn a note on a page from his journal, his eyes started to get teary and god, he needed to get out before he climbed back in bed into Zayn’s warm embrace. When he unlocked the door and slipped out into the corridor, he still felt the night all over his body, felt the bruises on his skin, felt Zayn _everywhere_ and for once, he was the one to leave.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘If he loves me, he’s not going to give up on us’ that’s what Harry tells himself to calm down a bit. Zayn will come to him, he’s sure of it. If he means it this time, he will. And Harry will be waiting for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello ,everyone!  
> I'm so sorry for not posting this sooner, but I've had so much stuff to do.  
> I decided that instead of waiting there will be one more chapter :)

            Zayn woke up to a cold, empty bed. When he first came to his senses and didn’t feel Harry curled close to his chest, his first thought was that Harry was just in the bathroom.  But there were no sounds of the water running or any movement besides the sound of New York traffic and life outside the stillness of the hotel room. Zayn tried not to panic. _There must be an explanation_ , he assured himself, _he couldn’t have left, not after everything we said last night._ He took a deep breath and opened his eyes. Judging by the sunlight, it must’ve been already about one in the afternoon. Harry’s side of bed wasn’t made, but there was a piece of paper on the pillow. A wave of anxiety went through him before he mustered up the courage to pick up and read it. It could’ve been anything, a note from Harry saying he has to catch a plane but he wants to see him again; he could’ve written that he went to gym and to get breakfast; a poem or some lyric that reminded him of last night; or the worst option, Harry telling him he never wants to see him again.

            Zayn didn’t want to read the note. For a few hours, he had everything he ever wanted again. Last night was the biggest night of his career so far and after such a long time, he fell asleep holding the person he loved the most in his arms. The early morning was like the sweetest dream. He couldn’t believe it when Harry said he still loved him too. After all that time, after countless songs he wrote about their shattered love and nights he spent analysing the mistakes they both had made, the idea of Harry still having feeling for him seemed so dreamlike and distant, like something that never happened before and surely wouldn’t happen in the future. But it happened. Again.

            They whispered words of love and affection into each other’s ears, necks and mouths. They made love again, after months and months of not even seeing each other. They mumbled half-empty promises into naked skin and Zayn felt whole again. His heart didn’t feel like there was something missing; one of the chambers, an artery or perhaps a beautiful green-eyed boy with a dazzling smile. He forgot about all of his worries, about Gigi, because all he could feel was happiness, love, Harry’s touch and naked skin. The idea of Harry leaving him in the morning never crossed his mind once. It didn’t seem like a possibility, not after what they said and did.

            Zayn was aghast after reading the note, his heart racing. “ _I’m sorry, but I can’t do this again. It would’ve been the same as it was before, and I can’t live with having just a half of your love. My heart is yours, but yours could never be mine. Goodbye.”_ He didn’t understand what made Harry think his heart didn’t belong to him. As if the words and promises weren’t enough to convince him that this time, they would do it the right way. “ _You’re all I’ve ever wanted. The time we spent apart almost teared my heart in two. I can’t wait to be with you. For the rest of our lives if you want to. I just know I can’t live any longer without telling you how much I love you every single day.”_ Those words were some of many Zayn told Harry at an early morning hour when he held him in his arms, Harry’s fingers intertwined with his. He should’ve known Harry would doubt him because of Gigi.

            Panic took over him then. _This can’t be happening,_ he thought. A phone. _A phone._ Zayn needed to get his iPhone from his jeans and call Harry. They were on the floor and his phone was in one of the pockets. He sat up on the bed, only a duvet covering his naked body, and picked up the jeans. All of the texts from Gigi and other people waiting for him on the screen were irrelevant. Somewhere deep in his heart was a bit of hope that Harry called or sent a text, but there was nothing from him. So, he dialled Harry’s number. The phone rang and rang, until it went to Harry’s voice mail and played the message: “ _Hi, it’s Harry. I can’t talk to you now. I’m probably busy or I’ve left my phone on silent somewhere and I can’t find it. Leave a message after the tone and I hope to talk to you soon. Bye.”_ Hearing Harry’s voice was painful, especially because he sounded so happy and cheerful in the recording. Even despite his common sense’s protests, Zayn decided to leave a message. He sent a few texts as well, begging Harry to call him back in all of them.

            Even though he just woke up about 10 minutes before, exhaustion was taking over his body. He knew he couldn’t stay in the hotel room. It smelled so much like Harry’s Tom Ford cologne and his shampoo. There was a pack of peppermint gum on the bedside table and it just reminded Zayn of Harry too much. He also knew he couldn’t come back to Gigi’s apartment. He had no idea what should he tell her, but there was time to figure that out. Gigi didn’t deserve to be lied to and cheated on. Zayn loved her, enjoyed the time they spent together, but his love for Harry was so consuming and much stronger. He wanted to be with him and be able to give him his whole heart. That’s why he can’t stay with Gigi, tell her he loved her and then go, fuck someone else and tell them he loved them too. Zayn respected and loved her, even maybe not so much romantically anymore, to do that to her. He did something similar with Perrie but still, the thing was so much different from his relationship with Gigi.

            First of all, it wasn’t their idea to start hanging out and making out for paparazzi. They started to hook up because, why couldn’t they? They were young, hot and attracted to each other. Perrie came up with the idea to start dating and Zayn said fuck it, he might as well try it. It’s not like he was home all the time and her too. Plus, his and Harry’s relationship at the time consisted of rushed sex, longing looks and whispering “I love you” when they were too drunk or high to realize they actually said it out loud.

            They weren’t really exclusive, Perrie slept with other people too when he was on tour and probably when he wasn’t as well. The problem was, she just latched onto him and didn’t want to let go. It’s still a mystery why. They didn’t spend that much time together and she didn’t go out of her way to change it. She didn’t give a fuck about what he did until he tried to break up with her. It happened a few times and she always threw a fit, started crying, called his mum and complained about his heartlessness. It used to drive Zayn crazy, he had no idea what to do about it. After the third time, Zayn decided to just play along. He didn’t want to hurt Perrie so, he bought her mum a house, told her he loved her, and lied when he said the tattoo of the cartoon girl was Perrie. All of that drama, fighting and his parent’s disappointing looks weren’t worth it. Investing a bit of money and time into keeping his life as peaceful as possible wasn’t that big of a price to pay.

            Zayn never told Harry about any of it. Louis knew, and he told Liam a few things so he would stop trying to give him lessons about pleasing his girlfriend even outside of bed. But Harry never knew. He thought Zayn kept him as some sort of side piece and Perrie was the person he was in love with. It worried him, he always went still when Zayn got a text or a phone call, thinking it was Perrie. Zayn never told him any of the reasons why he stayed with her, because it would’ve hurt them both. Harry would never let Zayn do it. He would go to Perrie, to their management and he would try to stop it any way he could. Nothing good would’ve come out of it, everything would’ve just gotten more complicated than it already was.

            Zayn tried not to break someone’s heart while not realizing he was breaking Harry’s heart and his own as well. By doing so, he created so many reasons for Harry not to trust him now. There isn’t a thing in the world he regrets more than this.

            Fear and worry were hanging around him like a dark cloud as he took a shower, got dressed and left the hotel only to end up in another unfamiliar hotel room. He booked a suite, so the space around him wouldn’t feel so claustrophobic and called Griff to bring him clothes and some other things.

            Everything got fucked up and now he needs to figure out the best way to break up with Gigi and get Harry back. He feels like shit for thinking about it and actually having to do it, but he can’t let anxiety and fear play with not only his emotions, but with emotions of people he cares so much about. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Zayn got up from the armchair he was occupying and opened the door without checking first, knowing it could only be Griff.

            “Hey man,” Griff said after he stepped inside the room and set a duffel bag on the couch, “what’s going on? Did you and Gigi fight or something? That’s why you’re hiding in a hotel room, looking like you haven’t slept for at least two weeks?” Zayn sat back down and signed.

            “No, we didn’t fight. But I’m pretty sure we’re gonna fight like…very soon. Everything’s gone to shit, Griff. I have to break up with her,” a look of confusion flashed on Griff’s face.

            “Why, what happened? Did you cheat on her? Did she cheat on you?”

            “I cheated on her. And the person I slept with…I love him more than her and I don’t want to hurt her by going behind her back and lying. Actually, that’d be kind of impossible, the media would find out soon anyway.”

            “Him?” Griff looked even more confused than before. None of Zayn’s new friends and team knew about Harry, except for Malay. It wasn’t something to just share with your new friends. It’s not a thing to drop in a conversation like: “Oh yeah, did you guys know I was fucking my bandmate for years and we were kinda in love? Also, my album is all about him. Crazy, isn’t it?”. Malay knew it only because of song-writing. It’s impossible to write more than twenty songs about someone without the person co-writing knowing who they are about.

            “Zayn? Tell me what the fuck is going on. Who is this guy? You never mentioned a boyfriend before.”

            “Yeah, well…we weren’t properly dating. We wanted to, but weren’t allowed to. Last week I found some of our old stuff and I sent him a text. The nostalgia and everything just hit me and I texted him saying I missed him. Yesterday, we met at the after party. When I saw him again last night, after almost two years, it was just- I couldn’t think because all I wanted to do was talk to him and- yeah. So, we talked. It didn’t end up too well. Gigi showed up looking for me so I left with her in the middle of a conversation, leaving him again without even saying the things I wanted to for so long.”

            “Then back at Gigi’s place I avoided her a bit, because he was on my mind all the time. I went to the balcony and stayed there for like two hours, called my mum and some other people and then at like half past three I texted him again and he asked me to come to his hotel room. It’s obvious I went to see him and I’m a fucking wanker so I told him I loved him and we fucked. I couldn’t control myself. He was finally right there, sitting next to me. I realized none of the feelings I have for him have gone away. I still loved him as much as I did two years ago. At the party, he admitted he still cares about me and knowing that, I couldn’t stop telling him everything I’ve been meaning to since I left the band. He kissed me first. It felt like no time has passed at all, you know? Like not a thing has changed. So, I kissed him back and you know the rest.”

            “When I woke up, he was gone and there was a note on his pillow saying he can’t do this again, because I’m with Gigi and he doesn’t want to be a side piece. Now I’m here and I haven’t got a clue what to do about all of this without fucking up even more than I already did,” Griff just looked at him for a few second and scratched his forehead.

             “Man, I don’t wanna take any wild guesses about who you’re talking about, “

            There was a long pause before Zayn said the name, “It’s Harry,”

            “What? Didn’t you say he hated you?” Griff looked more than confused at the moment.

            “I thought he did, was sure actually. Found out last night his feeling towards me are far from hatred. Or at least that’s what he said.”

            “Okay. Just to check if I understand it. You were in a relationship or whatever with Harry Styles, your ex-bandmate. Last night, you two met again and slept together. Basically, you cheated on Gigi with a guy you love more than her so now you want to break up with her, cause you don’t want to hurt her feelings? Did I get that right?”

            “Yeah, I guess.”

            “You’re my friend, Zayn, but you’re a fucking dumbass. Nothing to do about all of that now, but you should just go to Gigi and tell her what you told me. There’s really no other way to do this. Telling the truth right away is always better than lying.”

 

                                                                                                              ∞        ∞        ∞         ∞

            Harry landed in LA a little before 10AM. He managed to fall asleep on the plane, but the exhaustion didn’t go anywhere. A driver was waiting for him outside and thank god, there were no paparazzi outside the airport. He took a nap in the car and when he came home, nothing else mattered to him besides catching up on sleep.

            His ringtone woke him up at 5:07PM. It was Jeff asking him if he wants to go out for dinner at eight. Harry agreed, hung up and since he woke up quite well rested, decided to check his texts and missed calls. There were a few from his family, a few from Jeff and some other friends. The oldest one’s were those that made his heartbeat faster. Six texts and one voice mail from Zayn were staring at him from his phone screen. “ _Harry please dont delete the voice mail” “and please listen to it” “i meant every single word i said last night” “i meant it when i said i wanna be only with you” “call me or text me and we will talk it through again just please give me a chance”._ Harry hesitated to listen to the voice mail. His thumb was hanging over the play button, until he finally tapped it. Zayn’s smooth voice drifted from the speaker and it was almost too much for Harry. “ _Hi, it’s me. Harry, I have no idea why you left. Okay, maybe I do. Just please trust me, I meant everything I said last night. I love you and I want to be with you. Only you. I’m gonna break up with Gigi. I know you don’t trust me, because of my relationship with Perrie. Please, just give me a chance to explain it all. It was the biggest mistake of my life, staying with her. I love you. Please, please call me back or text-“_ the voice mail was cut off because of the time limit.

            Harry was sobbing loudly by the time it ended. God, he was so dense. How many times is it possible to leave the love of your live because of stupid misunderstandings? This couldn’t be happening again. All he wanted to do now was call Zayn, apologize for leaving and ask him to come to his house, preferably to never leave him for too long again.

            He can’t, though. His pride would never let him to that. He really wants to, but the thought of embarrassing himself like this, it’s just too much. Harry doesn’t like to admit when he’s wrong and he’s not going to do it this time. It’s illogical and against the interest of his heart, but he knows he wouldn’t be able to look Zayn in the eye and admit his mistake. He overreacted, let his paranoia get the best of him and didn’t trust the person he loved more than anything. Harry hates himself a bit for being like this.

            _‘If he loves me, he’s not going to give up on us’_ that’s what Harry tells himself to calm down a bit. Zayn will come to him, he’s sure of it. If he means it this time, he will. And Harry will be waiting for him.

                                                                                                                 ∞        ∞        ∞         ∞

            After Griff had left, Zayn changed into in fresh clothes and ordered room service. He decided that going to Gigi’s that day wasn’t the best idea. Everything was so fresh and raw, his heart still a bit broken because of Harry leaving. Trying to break up with Gigi just hours after that wasn’t the brightest idea. All of this was fucking terrifying. He was scared of hurting Gigi too much, scared of ruining so many things with so little words, scared of Harry rejecting him.

            He let himself overthink for a moment. What if Harry still has feelings for him, but doesn’t want them together? What if leaving Gigi is a mistake? What if he leaves Gigi, but Harry will reject him anyway? He loves her, claiming otherwise would be a lie. For the past few months, the passion in their relationship has faded a bit. His heart no longer jumps when he sees her again after some time, no longer gets goose bumps when she kisses his neck in _that_ spot. The way they’ve been doing everything lately, feels like living with your best friend that you hook up with. He’s pretty sure Gigi feels the same. She doesn’t come to see him in LA on her breaks as often as she used to, choosing to spend time in New York instead. It reassures him a bit. Him selfishly breaking things off probably won’t be as bad as it would’ve been half a year ago.

            Zayn thinks about how stupid he used to be. Love if a powerful thing, he’s known it for some time now. But fear is too. He was scared of hurting Perrie, he couldn’t leave her, not until their contract finally expired. He never loved her. The false feeling of security and fearing breaking her heart and disappointing his parents, pushed him to wrecking the only relationship he ever cared about. The distrust from Harry’s side will always be there. Their love was tainted from the second Zayn agreed to that charade. It’s the biggest regret of his life.

            That’s why he’s not giving up on him and Harry now. He’s leaving Gigi because he’s learnt from his mistakes. Staying with Perrie, when he didn’t even love her was one of his worst decisions. Even though he has so much more feelings for Gigi than he ever had for Perrie or any of his previous girlfriends, he knows who’s got all of his heart and love.  Zayn’s loved Harry for so long and this may be his last chance. If he stays with Gigi now, he’ll never have Harry again. He’s finally gonna put the person he loves the most first.

            Maybe he’s selfish now. Maybe he will break Gigi’s heart. But Zayn knows he’s never going to let himself consciously break Harry’s again.

 

            The next day, Zayn rang the doorbell to Gigi’s apartment at around 4PM. Using his keys didn’t felt right at the moment, considering what he was about to do. Earlier, he had texted her to let her know he was coming over. She responded with just simple ‘ _ok_ ’.

            Gigi opened the door, looking a bit surprised to see Zayn being the person on the other side ringing the doorbell when he had his own set of keys. The expression on her face wasn’t revealing much else.

            “Hey. Can I come in?” Zayn asked hesitantly. Gigi just nodded and stepped aside to let him in. He doesn’t know why looking for any changes was a thing that popped in his mind, but the apartment looked exactly the same as two nights before. Maybe a part of his subconsciousness was nagging at him, trying to convince him he would come to her place to see all of his stuff packed up in boxes and suitcases waiting for him by the front door.

            Zayn waited until Gigi seated herself on the sofa by the floor-length window overlooking New York, to sit on the other side of it.

            “We need to talk, Gi,” he said, staring at his hands and anxiously playing with one of his rings.

            “I figured. You want to break up, don’t you,” Zayn was speechless for a bit.

            “How do you know?”

            “Well,” Gigi didn’t seem angry. At the moment, she just looked a bit lost in her thoughts, “you’ve been acting weird for the past few days. Checked you phone too much, stared into distance and looked lost in your head. After the Grammy’s, you acted so weird. At first I thought you were just nervous or anxious. Then I found you chatting outside with Harry Styles. You looked like a deer caught in the headlights of a car when I interrupted you two. When you didn’t come to bed after we came home, I kinda put it together. It’s because of him, isn’t it?” Gigi’s always been too perceptive for her own good, and Zayn was an open book. She could always figure out what was troubling him, sometimes even before Zayn knew it himself. It’s no different this time.

            “Yes,” it was all Zayn could tell her at first, “I’m so sorry. I was so dumb thinking I could just text him and be friends or something. I have to tell you that two nights ago…I left at like 3:40 in the morning to see him. I’m a fucking piece of shit, cause we spent the night together. I wasn’t with him yesterday, thought,” silence fell upon them. Neither of them knew what to say. Gigi didn’t look angry and that was a good sign.

            “You know, I kind of expected you to cheat on me, because I’m always away and stuff,” Gigi broke the silence with words that sent a pang of hurt into Zayn’s chest. He went to say something and defend his faithfulness, until two nights ago anyway, but Gigi jumped in, “I know you didn’t. Z, you can’t lie to save your life. It’s just…our relationship hasn’t been the way it used to be lately, I’m sure you’ve noticed. I wasn’t surprised when I realized all of this. It was going to come, sooner or later. Whether it was you or me. Just-I have to ask. Has it been going on longer and I just hadn’t noticed?”

            “No, I wouldn’t do it to you. I texted him just last week. And then we slept together two nights ago. I’m so sorry I did it before we broke things off. I wanted to tell you as soon as I could. You don’t deserve to be lied to and cheated on. Gi, I loved you. I still do, just in a different way. If it was just a one-time thing, I’d do everything to try and save our relationship, but I know it isn’t. I couldn’t go behind your back and lie to you. You’ve been such an important person in my life for the past year and a half, you still are and I know I fucked up. Still, I don’t want us to be those exes that hate each other, throw shade and shit,” Gigi laughed at the last sentence. She scooted on the sofa and surprisingly, hugged Zayn.

            “I couldn’t hate you for this,” she pulled from the hug and gave him a small smile, “I know I should be mad, but I’m not? It’s weird, isn’t it? Maybe not so much actually, because for the last two or three months it didn’t even feel like we were dating, more like being friends, sometimes roomies who occasionally have sex. I can’t hate you for doing something for your own happiness, you know? I’m not a bitter person. Also, I’m gonna give you the clean break only if you promise to stay friends and have a movie night with lattes at least once every two months,” they both laugh at this. Being best friends with the person you’re dating is a great thing, especially at times like this.       Zayn can’t explain how happy he is Gigi doesn’t hate him. She’d been the most important person to him for a long time and he knows he couldn’t lose her.

            “Anything you want, I’m glad you want to speak to me after this again,”

            “Of course, I do. Who else would annoy me with comics, movies and Netflix all the time? I’d miss your dogs too. But, there’s one thing more thing I wanna do,”

                                                                                                                  ∞        ∞        ∞         ∞

 

            Harry stumbled upon the Twitter app on his phone while he was waiting to take his face mask off. There were a lot of tweets on his timeline with all the letters capitalized, the fans he follows clearly excited or disturbed about something. He was confused for a moment. Not a lot of them were clear, most saying just ‘ _OH Y JFIAFJAIF GVIHTE YIFICKIGN BROERFKGFN’_ or ‘ _IM CRIYNG IVE BEEN WAITING FOR SO LONG AHFAUIFASJF’_. He’s pretty sure none of them were mentioning his name, so that was good news. It was after the few tweets he read mentioning the word ‘ziam’ when he knew what was going on. Liam must’ve tweeted Zayn about the Grammy performance or something. That was probably it.

            Harry decided to check Liam’s account instead of picking his way through hundreds of incoherent tweets.  There was nothing, though. Liam’s last tweet was from a week before and had nothing to do with Zayn or anything One Direction related. Harry went to check Zayn’s account next, without even giving it a second thought. He was getting anxious. What the hell did they do that got fans so freaked out?

            Harry felt like his heartbeat and breath got lost somewhere in the molecules of air surrounding him, when he saw Zayn’s latest tweet. It was a quoted one from Gigi, a picture of the pair and a link to Instagram. Harry was ready to throw his phone against the wall opposite his bed when he noticed what Zayn had added to the tweet: “ _sometimes friendship is stronger than a break up. youre my best friend even after all of this xx”._ The realization hit Harry like a truck. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. _He broke up with her._ Zayn broke up with Gigi, just like he said he would. Harry needed to be completely sure, so he clicked the Instagram link. It led to the same photo on Gigi’s account, only this time with a long caption. _“We figured it’d be the best to tell all of you that me and Zayn have decided to break up. We don’t want any gossip about what happened, so we’re saying it ourselves: our relationship stopped being what it used to be. We’re still young and maybe there’s some great love waiting for the both of us. That’s why we settled on parting our ways as romantic partners and continue to annoy each other until we’re old and grey just as friends. I will always appreciate and support Zayn, and I’m 100% sure he will do the same. Thank you all for understanding.”_

            Harry’s heart felt suddenly lighter. Somewhere at the back of his mind was a very annoying thought, that made him feel guilty about making Zayn break up with his girlfriend for him. He was scared she’d hate Zayn. Harry knew from Kendall that Zayn and Gigi’s relationship was amazing, their personalities just fit together and from the start, they weren’t just lovers but best friends as well. He was afraid he made Zayn ruin something that has been such a good thing in his life. Harry had no idea how they broke up, but them staying friends despite splitting up basically because of him, calmed him a bit.

            He knows Zayn won’t come to him immediately. The break up with Gigi is still fresh, he’s gonna have paparazzi following his every step. Them taking photos of Zayn coming to Harry’s house would do them no good. They both want to have a proper relationship this time and coming out with it right after Zayn broke up with his long-term girlfriend would cause just chaos, ridiculous rumours and constant invasion of privacy. Harry’s waited years for this, he can wait a few more weeks.

                                                                                                             ∞        ∞        ∞         ∞

 

            After the conversation with Gigi and posting the photo on Instagram, Zayn packed up the few of his things he had at Gigi’s places, took a few of the boxes he brought just two weeks ago, and went straight to the JFK airport.

            When he landed in LA and picked up his dogs from a friend, he thought about going straight to Harry’s place. The paparazzi following him everywhere changed his mind immediately. The ‘Zigi’ break up was the hottest topic for the media at the moment. There’s too much attention on him and trying to establish his relationship with Harry again at this time would be terrible. Also, his publicist and manager might kill him.

            Zayn spends the next two weeks working on his second album, promoting the new single, attending some events and trying to contain the need to go see Harry. He also used the time to admit to his team what he was about to do, whether they like it or not. It went better than expected, receiving just a few annoyed looks and sighs. He’s never gonna let anyone keep him from being with Harry the way they want to, not anymore. It’s his life after all.

            Three weeks and a few more days after coming back to LA, close to midnight on a Wednesday night, Zayn decided to go to Harry’s house. He knows it’s still too soon, but he couldn’t wait any longer. The longing to see Harry was too overpowering. All he could think about was Harry. Getting lost in writing and recording didn’t help putting Harry off of his mind, quite the opposite really.

            Sitting in his car, Zayn realized he wasn’t a hundred per cent sure where Harry lives now. Making his decision based on rumours and tabloids, he decided to drive to the house closer to his own. When he pulled up in front of the gate, the lights around the property and some inside the house were on. Unless Harry sold the place and some people actually moved in, he should be inside. Hopefully alone.

            Zayn decided to call Harry instead of ringing the doorbell on the gate. To his surprise, Harry picked up after five rings.

            “ _Hello? Zayn? Why are you calling me at midnight?”_

“Hi,” Zayn chuckled nervously. God, this was a stupid idea. With his luck, Harry’s gonna tell him he sold the house months ago, and now lives with Ben again or something, “I just- I’m outside of your house? Well, I’m not sure if you still live here. That’s why I’m calling you. I figured it’d be better than just ringing the doorbell, in case someone else lives here. Anyway, I’m in front of the house you bought back in like 2013, I guess? You know, the first one. Do you-“

            _“Yeah, I still live here. I’m gonna open the gate for you. If you drove here, take the car in. See you in a sec,”_ Harry ended the call before Zayn had a chance to say anything. Great, this is starting _so well._

            The gate began to open not even a minute later. Zayn got back into his car and drove it close to the front door. It was open and Harry was standing in the doorway. He was wearing gym shorts and a plain white t-shirt. His hair was messy, not even sunglasses or a headband holding them in place.

            Zayn took a deep breath and got out of his car. Walking around it, he found himself standing in front of Harry. His gaze was fixed on Zayn, the expression on his face unreadable.

            “Hey. I’m sorry for coming here at night, but…I just couldn’t wait anymore. I needed to see you. And I needed you to tell me I’m not making this up, that you still have hope for us too. Because I do,” Harry was quiet, it seemed like he wasn’t even blinking. His face softened after a long moment and suddenly, he threw himself on Zayn and was clutching his middle as if he feared the man in his arms would float away. Zayn was startled at first, but promptly hugged Harry back.

            “I’m so happy you’re here,” Harry said into his ear, his voice barely a whisper, “of course I have hope for us. You came back and I’m so fucking sorry I left you. It was a mistake. I didn’t believe you when you said you’d leave Gigi and I’m so sorry for not trusting you. So much has changed, we have changed. I thought it was like the old times again. It was in a way. I was wrong thinking the bad parts were back too. I’m sorry, I can’t apologize enough,” Harry eased the embrace and stepped back a bit, still holding on to Zayn’s forearms. There was guilt written all over his face, but a glimpse of happiness was peeking through in his vibrant green eyes.

            “You don’t have to apologize, Haz. I know why you didn’t trust me. Let’s take this inside, yeah? It’s quite cold and you’re wearing almost nothing,”

            “Yeah, okay. That’s a great idea actually. I’m freezing,” Harry didn’t let go of Zayn’s hand. Not when he closed the door, not when he locked it, not when they sat on a couch in Harry’s living room together. Zayn felt serene and peaceful, sitting there with Harry, the fireplace and candles burning, smooth music playing from a vinyl. He needed to tell Harry everything though.

            “Harry, we have to talk. I’m sorry to bring it up right away, but we do. Actually, I need to tell you a lot of stuff. Things that will help you understand why I’d done a lot of things in the past,” Harry took a deep breath, looking a bit dubious at first, but then he squeezed Zayn’s hand and smiled.

            “Whatever you want, love. I’m not letting you go, no matter what you tell me now,”

            “Then you’re never getting rid of me, cause I’m not planning on letting you go either. Anyway, I wanted to tell you something you’ve never known and I’m such an idiot for not telling you sooner,” Zayn wasn’t looking into Harry’s curious eyes anymore. He couldn’t, not when he felt so guilty about this, “I tried to break up with Perrie like four times at least. But she was kinda using my family against me. I never wanted to disappoint them and she’d always just call my mum or sisters how I’m being an asshole again. So instead of fighting with her, with my family, with her mum, I went along with all of it. I didn’t want to break her heart as well. I though she may have had feelings for me. I was proved wrong when we broke it off for good after the contract expired,” Harry looked confused. His eyebrows were pulled together, a few lines between them.

            “Zayn, what the fuck? Why didn’t you just tell me?”

            “I knew you would never let me do it, but I didn’t want to hurt anyone,”

            “Of course I wouldn’t have let you do that to yourself, and to some extend to her. She came up with such dumb bullshit and you went along with it. You should’ve told her how stupid it all was. Jesus, why did you do that?”

            “I was so tired of everything, Harry. I didn’t have the extra energy to fight with her and so many people around me as well. It kinda worked, didn’t it?” Harry then full-on smacked him on the head.

            “No, it didn’t. We were both unhappy and she was living a lie. God, I always thought you loved her, at least a little bit, what’s why you stayed with her,” Zayn put the hand Harry wasn’t holding and put it on his left cheek.

            “You know I loved you, only you. Probably since I was like eighteen. I just didn’t tell you, when both of us were sober anyway, until I was almost twenty. I regret that as well. We should’ve been only with each other since the beginning. Was all of that open relationship bullshit even worth it?”

            “No. No, it wasn’t and you know it. We were so stupid. This is exactly why communication should be the most important part of a relationship,”

            “Yeah, I know babe. We can’t change the past now, can we?” Harry didn’t say anything, just softly shook his head. He scooted even closer to Zayn, their legs almost intertwined, Harry half sitting in Zayn’s lap.

            “I still can’t believe you’re here,” Harry brought his hand up to Zayn’s hair and pushed it back, out of his eyes, “I thought I’d never even talk to you again, that you didn’t miss me at all. Being just friends wasn’t something I could live with. That’s why I ignored you so many times. You were so happy and I couldn’t live with myself if I ruined that. So, I stayed back and let you live your life.

            “Your text surprised me. My heart was aching and I couldn’t stop crying. For almost two years, all I’d wanted was you. And there you were, saying you missed me. I didn’t think you meant it like this, that you missed _us._ I told you that night, I had thought you wanted to be friends. Seeing you again almost didn’t feel real. I imagined we’d meet sooner or later, but it didn’t happen until that night. But we were close last year, weren’t we? Anyway, after you left with Gigi I got so fucking drunk I have no idea how I managed to sober up that much before you came to my hotel room. I thought I was imagining it when you said you still loved me. I didn’t think it was possible, not after everything I’ve done and said,”

            “I could never not be in love with you,” Zayn whispered into Harry’s hair. He was holding the younger man close, Harry’s head on his shoulder.

            Harry lifted his gaze and looked at Zayn, “So, you’re not mad at me? About all the shit during the last album’s promo?”

            “I’ve always known you’re a wanker, but what can I do when I’m in love with you?”

            “That’s what I thought. The Stockholm Syndrome plan worked,”

            “You know I hate you sometimes?”

            “Nah,” Harry chuckled, “you love me. Now, go upstairs. I’m gonna grab some wine and then the real case of the syndrome begins. I’m never letting you go again,”

            “Fine by me, babe,”

                                                                                                  ∞        ∞        ∞         ∞

 

            The bottle of red wine and two glasses were left abandoned on a dresser in Harry’s bedroom.  All the ideas about quietly talking in bed over wine and cuddling were thrown out the window right when Harry stepped inside. The lust overpowered love and fondness for a moment and they were all over each other. Their clothes ended up scattered all over the room, the decorative pillows lying on the floor. They couldn’t deny this to themselves. Love and lust have always been working side by side in their relationship. Some nights were filled with whispering, soft kisses and hushed laughter; some were ripping clothes off of each other, biting at skin and bruises to remind them the passion and lust for days.

            After they were together in bed, holding each other with nothing between them, they tried to put all the regret, all the feelings into their kisses and touches. The time they wasted has turned into passion, into a need to make up for the moments they could’ve spent together like this. They took the time to explore each other’s bodies again, nothing rushed. Every kiss, every love bite meant more than ever before. All the time in the world was theirs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this and if you liked it please leave kudos and a comment!! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Well, that's the first part. I hope it wasn't too bad. If you want to yell at me for anything, I'm @imlivingonawire on tumblr! 
> 
> Thank you for reading this and I hope you liked it enough to come back for the second part!


End file.
